The Secret Ingredient is ELF

@DelilahSDawson Note to self: When you change the char's name from Tom to Jimbo with a blanket Find & Replace, you get a lot of Jimboomorrow.

That tweet from Delilah made me remember a story I meant to tell you guys!

So one of my clients wrote a manuscript. At a certain point, he decided that the "trolls" in the book should really be "elves"... and the use of Word's "Find & Replace" feature created some hi-larious mistakes.

Characters found themselves "selfing around" instead of strolling.  Trolleycars because "Elfeycars". A plate of sweetrolls became "sweeelves" - and you need a lotta coffee to wash those bad boys down, believe me.

These mistakes did not get caught until the book was almost printed, because, though they were all changed in the first pass, there was a mix-up with the versions. Whoopsie! So if it wasn't for some late-breaking intervention, there was a very real possibility that you'd have been trying to work out a good recipe for sweeelves while reading this book.

The point I am making might sound silly, but it can't be repeated often enough: Those little shortcuts and conveniences the computer lets you take with your manuscript can be handy and great, but you'd better not take for granted that they've worked properly. And when you think you are done re-reading, try taking a break, and re-reading again.



ETA: My sister sent me this episode of Radiolab- the first segment discusses innocent copyediting errors that lead to bigger unexpected problems. (Funny... but not for the person who loses their job over it)

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Link & Small News Roundup

Welcome to Friday Five, evening edition!  HOW did this week go by so quickly?

1) The dog is now called Moxie.  It's a lot easier to say than Macadamia was. And easier to yell, which is good, since she has learned to take flying leaps onto my desk.  (Her formal name is Edith Macadamia Bouvier, if you must know, but Moxie will do for short.)

2) Last week (ish) my client Kate Messner wrote a terrific guest post on a blog about how she finds the time to write. And people? If don't believe that it can happen for you, if you think dealing with your job or your kids is too exhausting and you'll never be able to do all that AND write a book... you should definitely look to Kate as an example. She is a 7th grade teacher, a mom of two, and I just sold her twelfth book. If she can do it, you can do it.

3) But maybe–just maybe–you don't really want to do it. John "not my client" Scalzi has a terrific post up called Find the Time, or Don't.  To paraphrase, if you really wanted to be a writer, you'd find the time to write.  If you DON'T find the time to write... that's fine. Don't be a writer. No biggie, right?

4) All this shop talk making you hungry? Have some lemon pudding cake.  Nommity nom!  Now I have a ton of reading to do and can't stand around in the kitchen, so who is gonna bake it for me? 

5) This video made me crack up. But it contains salty language. You've been warned. "What is wrong with books?"


!!!!!!! [BESTIE x BESTIE  1] !!!!!!! from Dean Fleischer-Camp on Vimeo.

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Breaking Waves anthology

The BREAKING WAVES e-anthology is here!  Fiction, poetry, essays, and fabulousness!

This anthology is co-edited by my client Tiffany Trent and features work by both Tiffany and another client, Patrick Samphire, as well as Hugo & Nebula award winners & luminaries like Ursula K. LeGuin. Wow! Most importantly, though, all profits from BREAKING WAVES go to support ongoing clean-up efforts in the Gulf. 

Fans of Tiffany's HALLOWMERE series should note that there's a special Hallowmere story in the antho that you will not find anywhere else.  Download it!

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Macadamia!

So, if you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you've no doubt noticed that as of yesterday, there has been a new addition to the household. Meet the extra-adorable MACADAMIA!

I didn't give her that name, she came with it. Though the vet wrote "MACEDONIA" on her paperwork. I am thinking that she'll need to be something a little easier to call soon, probably "Maggie".  She is about two years old, very sweet-tempered, doesn't spook, is good with other dogs and people, is busting with personality AND is housebroken. (She doesn't really come when she's called... but that is mostly because she doesn't really have a name yet!)

The thing is... Macadamia-or-whatever-her-name-is, is a foster dog. The rescue organization I am working with saves dogs like her from being destroyed in high-kill shelters in Georgia, gives them vet treatments and finds them nice adoptive families in NY. That means that she is only with me till she finds her "forever home" somewhere.

If you are in NY and in the market for a pup, take a look at Perfect Pets Rescue.  They are nice folks, and very nice dogs. Maybe you can foster!  Or you can adopt... maybe you'll even be a home for cute little whats-her-face!  :-)

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Frontlist, Backlist, Midlist

Let's talk about a dirty word.

MIDLIST. Some published authors seem to be quite worried about being called "midlist". But kids, I've got news. Almost everyone is "midlist", unless you are super of-the-moment and hot, or famous and old. I think it's time for a vocab lesson.

Frontlist: Booksellers and publishers use the term "frontlist" to describe all the brand-new books this season, the books that are in the catalogue but have never been in the store before. These titles have no sales history yet, and everyone is very excited about them because they are NEW and SHINY and ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN!  (Yes, if an old title is reissued in a brand-new format, it is frontlist again).

Once books stop being imaginary and/or brand-spanking-new, they are no longer frontlist and they will start getting returned if they aren't selling. For grownup books, this is about an eight week window. Kids and teen books have a bit more time, generally until the next season's books come in, so four to six months, or maybe even up to a year if there is room on the shelf.

Backlist: Booksellers and publishers use the term "backlist" to describe the books that have been out for a while, the paperbacks, the perennials. Books that are no longer frontlist become backlist or go out of print. Titles that have earned out, and that sell for years after they've come out, or for lifetimes, or even for millenia, stay backlist. Flashy NYT bestsellers or trends be damned, backlist is where the consistent money is. A deep backlist allows publishers to survive. You might hear an editor say something like "this will backlist well" -- they mean that this is a title that may not do amazing numbers, but that they expect it to stay in print and sell steadily for many years to come. This is a very good thing.


"Midlist": This isn't really a term that booksellers traditionally use in the same way as frontlist or backlist. It is instead most often a pejorative, probably first used by a smart-ass, meant to sound like those terms, but really it just means "not hot", "meh", "Johnny Average."

I think this is something authors ought to reclaim. Look, unless you are superfamous and dead (Hemingway, Poe, Faulkner) or superfamous and filthy rich (Patterson, King, Rowling) or people who read the New Yorker and wear ironic glasses talk about your ass (Gladwell, Foer, Franzen), or you are on the NYT bestseller list right now or soon (Steifvater, Clare, Hopkins, Marr) ... YOU ARE PROBABLY "MIDLIST".  Yes, you!  AND YOU!

And yes, that probably means your book.  Get over it.  It shouldn't be an insult.  It means you are normal. You haven't hit the bigtime, nor are your books being read by generations of schoolchildren, nor do people in other countries, or even other counties, know your name... and that's OK.  It's Normal. Normal. Normal is not bad.

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Hudson Valley YA Society

Are you a YA writer or YA lit lover who lives in the Hudson Valley?  I'm starting a literary salon that you should be a part of.  This means teens, teachers, librarians, booksellers, writers and just readers of all ages who love Young Adult books.

We'll have monthly (or so) get-togethers, featuring an author event followed by general revelry, drinks, shenanigans, book discussions, book swaps, etc.

The Society's first "meeting" will be Sunday, September 26, 4pm at Oblong Books & Music in Rhinebeck.

Cecil Castellucci, Siobhan Vivian and Natalie Standiford will be reading and signing books at their event at the bookstore at 4pm, followed by revelry at a location to be decided.  Possibly still the bookstore. Possibly elsewhere.  Sort of depends how many people show up and how thirsty we all are.

I will have heaps of giveaways including loads of advance reading copies, and there will be mini-cupcakes.  :-)  So if you are a YA lit enthusiast, drop me a line, RSVP on facebook, join the fun.

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Editors Do the Darndest Things

From comments: "I'm still waiting for an agent to blog or tweet about something an editor did that annoyed them. I guess either editors are perfect or all those snarky agents who dare to tell it like it is find it a little harder to tell it like it is when the power balance is shifted."

Yep, you nailed it, editors are perfect!  I love them, no matter what.*

Even when they take months... and months... to read a short picture book.  No problem! That's fine, take your time.

Or when they disappear after expressing interest in a manuscript. Yep.  Just... disappear rather than give a concrete "on second thought, not for me" or any sort of closure. I don't blame them, after all, it's hard to say no.

Same holds true when they take forever to write a rejection letter made of fluffy nothing.

Or when they woo relentlessly before they buy the book, declaring mad love for the author and their work... but then as soon as the vows are said and the ink is dry on the contract, passion seems to turn into business-as-usual, communication dries up, and, and, and...sorry, I just had a bit of a post-traumatic stress flashback.

OK, I guess I don't really love them all all the time.

But they do generally have good manners and do not pee on the rugs.  And you have to admit, they are pretty cute.  Awww...

* In all seriousness... the good that most editors do to help authors and advocate for books they love far outweighs my small annoyances about the process.  And I fully realize that some of these same grievances could be levelled against most agents from time to time.  I am just gently poking fun, and not at anyone in particular.  So authors, don't take this as a post about How Editors Are Evil. They aren't. Well... the ones I know aren't, anyway!

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#NOFAIL

The question has come up on Nathan's blog, and elsewhere... How do you feel about things like SlushPile Hell and #queryfail and all the other myriad spots on the web where agents snarkily take a piece out of authors?

I admit, I've got a big problem with this stuff. Not because I am not a fan of quick wit... goodness knows I am!  And it isn't because I'm too noble to have a laugh at truly nutso queries. My issue is, I cannot even fathom having the time or energy or desire to keep a bad query in my line of sight for long enough to formulate a tweet or a tumblr about it.  I mean really.  Bad queries are the LAST thing I want to dwell on.

Personally, I don't get the real-time blogging or tweeting of rejections, either. Fans say it is "educational", and I guess it could be, but  a) How can the author NOT know it is them, when the tweet comes directly after the rejection? and b) How do the agents even do it? I tried to just write down for myself why I rejected 30 queries in a row - and for the vast majority, it was because I DIDN'T LIKE THEM ENOUGH. Not too helpful, and why should I spend more time thinking about them?  It's a puzzler.  (I do get this kind of thing if it is something the author has signed up for, like Query Shark, for example - that is a different story, the authors know what they are signing up for, the feedback is sharp but useful, and the shark should get hazard pay.)

So rest assured that, though I may privately (quietly) chuckle, I'm not going to laugh to your face, and I'm not going to post your queries on my blog (unless there is some oddball situation in which I must, and then I'll have gotten your permission). *

Now that THAT'S clear...

* I do reserve the right to tweet in very general terms if I am seeing a multitude of the same mistakes happening a lot in one day, however... but not direct quotes!

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How Many is Too Many?

Anonymous Comment: you have 24 authors already, and you're opening your email for more?? are you planning on never sleeping again?

Keep in mind, Anonymous, though I don't think that it affected my clients negatively in any way, or that they experienced any lag in communication from me because of it, I have essentially been a part-time agent for the past three years. I've had a "day job" the whole time. Now that day job is gone. Though I am still helping out a few hours here and there at a bookstore, it is for fun, just because I like it and would miss it if I stopped.

The problem with answering the question "how many clients do you have?" is, if I say a number that seems low to you, you'll think I'm not popular. If I say a number that seems too high, you'll think I don't have time. But what is normal, or average? I think that most well-established agents have many more clients than I do.

But not all those clients are active at any given time!  Let's break it down. Right now my clients are:

Writing or revising a contracted book.  5

Writing or revising a book that has not sold yet. 4

Taking a "life break".  2

Incommunicado until they come out of their hidey-holes, barring perhaps one monthly email.

On submission, waiting to hear from editors.  4

Turned in option book, waiting to hear from editor. 1

Occasional email or quick phone call touch base / nudges / questions

Sold, waiting for contracts or edits. 1

Has interest, waiting for offer. 3

Waiting game with sporadic flurrys of activity till they go code red

New Book from Client / Waiting to submit (I'm not submitting anything new during August).  4

Reading, crafting submission lists, writing letters, worrying, editing, thinking about, till projects are in editors hands and it goes to code green. 

Actively negotiating contract.  1  

Daily emails and phone calls, lots of activity for short period of time, until it goes back to code gold.

Some, of course, fall a bit into more than one category.  They are all important to me, but there is nothing I can give to Code Blue-ers right now, and percentage-wise, they are in the majority. Code Green and Gold are on the radar, but there is not a great deal to do there either besides be available if there are questions, nudge the editors, send updates, and be ready for them to go red. Code Pink and Code Red are the most active, but as you can see, they are also the least amount percentage-wise.

Aside from the immediate concerns of clients, negotiating specific contracts, etc, much of my time is spent reading, doing research and getting to know editors - which I do for all my clients, and would be the same if I had three or three hundred.

Of course, this answer is personal to me, I in no way want to imply that this is "right" or that agents who have many more or fewer clients than I do are "wrong."  I just know how my own time-management breakdown works.  The long and the short of it is, personally, I've only signed one new author this year and I have time for a few more. Not a LOT more - but a few more. Now I just have to find them.  :-)

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Wheeee!

Lots of new stuff on the life front. My insane roadtrip (11 states in 7 days) ended and my stint in New York began. When I first got here, I was suffering from general exhaustion and freaked-out-edness. I suddenly found myself in the countryside and I was scared of... I don't know. Ghosts? Wild animals? Basically I'd never slept someplace simultaneously so quiet and SO LOUD. 

But now I'm used to sleeping in what sounds like the ancient rain forest, and I've met some new friends, and gone to the county fair, and started working a couple days a week at a very cute bookstore (which is a great way to get to know the neighborhood as well as keep myself in the mix about new books)... well, let's just say it's been quite a week.

Now that I have my internet set up, and a table that doubles as a desk, I am ready to get back to work. There are about a thousand unread emails to catch up on, and some client books to read. But here's a secret: I have more time on my hands here, and I gotta pay for this place somehow. So I am definitely looking to take on a few new clients. Have something awesome?  QUERY ME! 

And I need to get back in the swing of the blog, too, so if you have questions I can answer, feel free to fire them at me in the comments. If it is a short answer, I'll reply in comments, and if something warrants a long reply, I will blog it. 

Hope everyone else is having a productive and exciting end-of-summer!  Wheeee!

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On the Road

As many of you know, I am moving to New York for a while, which means I've packed up all my stuff and am driving cross-country this week. (Currently in Wyoming!) I'm having fun, but it is exhausting, and I am definitely not going to be coming up with any new content here for a while. :-)

If you'd like to follow me on the road, I am posting occassional pictures and fun stuff on twitter at #roadtrip10

Otherwise, I do have my phone and can check internet occassionally, so if it is urgent, by all means contact me -- but if it can wait, that would be good. I should arrive by 8/20, be settling in to my New York digs by 8/23, and back in the swing of things for real by September.

Thanks for your patience!

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Public Service Announcement, or, How to Insult Your Local Independent Bookstore

If you are an author and you only link to A**zon on your website, booksellers will hate you. Really.

If you go to a store, get a bunch of book recommendations and then go buy them online?  You might as well walk up to the manager, slap her, and tell her that you hope her store closes. Yeah. That's how big a jerk you are.

If you go to a booksigning at your local independent bookstore, and you don't buy a book?  YOU ARE ROBBING THEM.

If you are an author yourself, set a good example for crying out loud. Shop at bricks-and-mortar bookstores and link to indiebound or an indie store on your website. When you try to befriend booksellers, a good way to do it is by actually buying the books they recommend. When you go to "support a friend" at a signing, try actually being supportive by BUYING A BOOK.

Thank you.

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In the Spotlight

Ever wanted to know every single thing about me ever?

Check out this astonishingly thorough "Agent Spotlight" on Casey McCormick's Literary Rambles blog.  Literary Rambles looks like a terrific resource for agently research, so if you are on the hunt for representation, bookmark it!  (But never forget to visit the agents own website as well, just to make sure all the info you gather is up-to-date.)

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How to be an Agent, or, You Want a Piece of This?

Being an agent isn't all about reading books and knocking back bon-bon martinis, despite how Twitter might make it look.  I keep getting asked for career advice from would-be agents.

Oh, I have some advice:

1. Finish school. Doesn't matter in what, but try something useful, like an advanced degree in business, medicine, engineering or law.
2. Get a job that pays well so your mom can brag about you rather than having to loan you money.

JENNIFER YOU ARE BEING NEGATIVE!!!

Well, internal critic, I prefer to think of it as being realistic. But fine.

In all seriousness, these are some of the qualifications to get in the door, in no particular order:

* Must be extremely confident and outgoing (or at least able to present as such)
* Must be good at negotiation and arguing
* Must have a head for business
* Must be detail-oriented, tough, practical, no-nonsense, and ambitious.
* Must be able to deliver, and take, a crushing amount of rejection.
* Must be a book expert, have tons of market-savvy
* Must know A LOT about the ins-and-outs of publishing
* Must be able to read and understand a contract
* Must have good connections
* Must be willing to work for free

These are nearly all qualities that are easiest to get by having a career in another branch of publishing first. This is why many agents are editors, publisher rights managers, booksellers or buyers before joining agencies.

This is an apprentice business. There are no classes, there is no certification. The best way to learn to do it is by doing it, and pretty much the only way you are going to get to do that is by interning/working for an existing agency. Generally for free. Then it helps enormously if you continue being mentored by those agents when you are ready to start taking your own clients.

Should you start your OWN agency?  Probably not. If you don't have a name that will open doors yourself, you'd best work for an agency whose name and reputation will help you get those valuable connections. If you are not an expert in the areas of contract law, subrights and similar, you had better be part of an agency that has experts on the roster. Sure, anyone can theoretically just call themselves an agent, but you'll be in for a big, nasty surprise if you think you can bluff your way through with nothing to back you up.

Best case scenario, even if you join an awesome agency, build up an amazing list of clients and start selling right away, it is extremely unlikely that you will be able to earn enough consistent money to live properly until your books are published, earn out and start earning royalties - in other words, for about 5 years. The less experience you have in the publishing world to start out with, the longer you will have to intern, and the more difficult you will find the beginning of your career.

So if you're serious, start here.

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The Celebrity Effect

One of my pals on Facebook posted a story about how Pope Benedict is writing a children's book. This inspired lots of anti-celebrity writer comments (and some Catholic-bashing ones for good measure). 

This happens on forums every time a celeb children's book is announced.  "Real" kids book writers tend to get het up about it, whether the celeb in question is a sports star, pop singer, or in this case, pontiff.  "How dare they! They  should stick to what they are good at and leave children's book writing to people who really care about children and the art of writing books!"  Then come the insults about that celebs suitability as a role model, alleged scandals, questionable morality, looks and lack of intellect.

I understand some of the ire, particularly when the celebrity in question says something dumb like "there just weren't any good kids books out there, so I had to write one!" ... but I guess I can't get too worked up about it.

a) How do we know that celeb isn't an awesome writer? Don't get me wrong, I have my doubts, but still. I'd be bummed if somebody said I couldn't or shouldn't write a book because I have a totally different day job.  Wouldn't you?

b) Yay for selling books! The buyers for celebrity books are probably not people who buy a ton of kids books anyway, but who knows, maybe this will bring them into a store to buy something else as well. Or maybe the kid who gets that book will love it and want more books. Goodness knows, I loved the Berenstain Bears when I was a kid, and you'd be hard-pressed to find something more didactic that THAT - but my love of those dumb bears turned into a love of books, which got me to keep reading.

c) If it sells well, that publisher will have more dough with which to buy books from debut and non-celeb authors.  A rich publisher is a happy publisher.

And insulting Catholics or priests, or pop-music fans or singers, or sports enthusiasts or players, because they have an interest in these books? Poorly done. Look, many millions of people are Catholic and wonderful, many hundreds of thousands of priests work their whole lives to help children, not hurt them, and many if not most of those people care about what the pope has to say. Many millions of people are Madonna fans and wonderful, and Madonna seems to care deeply about children and their issues. Many millions of people love Michael Phelps, and he is a role model and hero for many many children.

We can assume that these people are probably not evil people. Sure, many celebs are suddenly in the writing business for some cash, just like some start perfumes or clothing lines when you know they aren't exactly chemists or designers. So what?

That means that somebody out there thinks that many hundreds of thousands, if not millions of consumers, will be interested in what that person has to say.  So maybe instead of thinking of these books as "books" the same way that your books are, think of them as merchandise.

If you don't like the pope, or Madonna, or Michael Phelps, or any celebrity, you are quite free not to purchase their merchandise, whether that be books, or perfume, or leggings.

Insulting these public figures and their fans is not actually helping you, or advancing your own career or writing in any way.  Their book being published isn't taking away your chance to be published. They are not taking away "your slot" -- that slot is the "celebrity merchandise" slot, you probably aren't a celebrity, that slot wasn't going to be filled by you anyway.

So take a spoonful of sugar, and make your book as great as it can be, so that you have a shot at one of the slots you DO have a chance to fill.

And if you are a celebrity, or God's Voice on Earth, and you happen to be reading this?

Call me.

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Open Thread

I keep seeing people on Twitter use this thing "Formspring." Which apparently allows anonymous people to ask whatever questions they want, and then you answer them. It seems to me there are lots of places on the internet for such things... but whatever.

Since I don't have room for another social media site in my brain, and answering questions is sort of the point of this blog, I decided to make this my Mini-Formspring section. So, anonymous or not, feel free to ASK QUESTIONS, and I will answer either in comments (if it is a short answer) or in a  post (if it is a long answer).  You may also feel free to just randomly make a comment, tell me a joke, put a picture of kitty cats, or whatever.  Comments are moderated for spam control, but anonymous comments are fine.

Andddd...  GO!

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Mythbusting 101

At last week's conference, I got manymany questions referring to publishing myths as if they were truths. Many of these were mentioned multiple times. Always they were brought up by smart-seeming people speaking in earnest tones. Here, once and for all, let us destroy these lies with scorching truth-beams!

LIES: and then the truth
You can't get an agent unless you are published:  Fully half of my clients are (or were) debut authors when I signed them up.

You can't get published unless you have an agent: Plenty of people get first book deals without agents. Some people even have whole writing careers without agents and do just fine. (Though to be fair, this is generally not recommended - these folks usually have serious Type-A personalities, are highly organized and business minded, love to do research, and are control-freaks and extremely confident extroverts... a rare combo for writers, in my experience) 

You can't get published, or get an agent, unless you know somebody: As far as I know, all of my debut author clients came to me with absolutely zero connections in the publishing world. 

You can't get published, or get an agent, unless you live in New York City: None of my clients live in NYC. 

You need an agent who lives in NYC: There are great agents all over the country... even in California. You need an agent with a track record, or a newbie with a well-respected agency behind them, who has connections with publishers. Where they live doesn't matter. 

You shouldn't send your work to anyone, cause they will steal your ideas: Trust me, we don't want your ideas. Ideas are a dime a dozen. Making something great out of them is the hard part! 

Don't query during the summer, nobody works in publishing during summer; don't query in the winter, nobody works in publishing in the winter:  The fact is, most agents and editors have to work year round, just like everybody else. We also often take a vacation for a couple weeks sometime during the summer and around the Christmas/New Year holidays... just like everybody else. And yes, this means sales slow down a bit. But that doesn't mean that you can't query! In fact, many agents use this time to play catch up. I have both signed clients and sold books during the supposed summer/winter doldrums.

Once you get an agent, you are 100% set. Get ready for easy street!:  Sorry, having an agent does not mean that your book will sell. Nor does it mean that your work is done.

A huge publisher is better than a small one:  Depends on the kind of book you've written. Some books and authors would get lost at a big publisher but thrive at smaller one. Large publishers might have more money, but small publishers might take risks that big publishers are too bureaucracy-ridden to take. There are advantages and disadvantages to both, and neither one is inherently "better" than the other.

Editors don't edit anymore: They really do, poor things. Though there are fewer people to do more work than ever, and they have to go to plenty of meetings during the day, all the editors I know really do still edit. Often not during office hours.

Agents don't even read the slush, they just send form rejects:  Oh but you are wrong. Yes, we reject quickly. Think about it this way: I don't need to listen to a whole concert to know that the orchestra is out of tune. 

If you get a big advance, and your book does badly, you have to pay the publisher back:  Nope. The advance is yours to keep, unless you are in breach of contract somehow. But your publisher may well be leery of taking another risk on you if they lose a lot of money the first time around.

Picture books are easy to write. OR, YA writing is fine, but eventually you should "graduate" to writing grown-up books.  Errr... screw you.

Once you get that contract, your life will change for the better. (aka: Publishing means fame and fortune!): Selling your book is probably not going to change your fortunes very dramatically. The VAST majority of authors do not make enough money on a single contract, or even several, to give up their day job. A contract is neither medicine, nor magic. It can't transform a generally unhappy person into a cockeyed optimist, it can't solve all your problems, it won't make you more popular or prettier. Sorry.

WHEW. That was fun. Any other myths for me to bust? 

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Panther-Stalking

As I mentioned in the last post, my secret shame is that I ran out of books while at the week-long conference, and ended up reading terrible romance novels that I found in the bathroom of the rental cottage.  By popular demand, a book review!

 SILKEN SAVAGE: Tanya and her gal-pals get kidnapped by a bunch of Cheyenne brutes, who savagely molest, abuse and brand them as slaves. Tanya's captor is the awesomely named (and comparably progressive) A-Panther-Stalks, who wants to "gentle her" like a wild pony, so she will be his willing slave. Tanya is fine with that. She is also stone bitch who doesn't lift a finger to help her friends, or even seem to think about them at all, even though they are being raped and beaten half to death in the tipi next door. Guess she is too busy Panther-Stalking.

She becomes A-Panther-Stalks' wife/slave, and at a certain point, the clan leader "Kettle-Black" or something says that she has to do a series of tests to prove herself as a brave or... actually, I don't really know what happened at all, it just turned into gibberish.

Takeaway: Seems extremely easy to master the Cheyenne language and folkways, since Tanya the idiot (with Mane of Lioness) managed it in less than a week. Unclear who is the titular 'savage'.  Rating: Zero headdress-feathers.

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Home agaiZzzzzz

I had such a great time hanging out with the folks at the Oregon Coast Children's Book Writer's Workshop this past week!  So many thanks to conference chieftan and master chef David Greenberg and his amazing wife Susan for their warmth and awesome organization skills, to the faculty for being so terrifically smart and funny (especially my roommate April Henry, WHO I LOVE SO MUCH) --  and of course to the WRITERS, who were brave enough to 'put it out there' all week.  Plus I got to see my client LK Madigan (yayyy!) and even go to bookstore mecca Powells.

But of course, the main event was the week at the coast. This is the view from the conference center -- not too shabby:

And hey, here's a little fellow who I met this morning in our yard:

There was much in the way of nature, as you can see. Including whales, porcupines, baby and mama deers, etc. (Not to mention all the wild writers...)  There was also no phone and very little internet, and I ran out of books at a certain point, which was perhaps the scariest thing of all.  Let's just say, if you've never been stuck in a vacation cottage with nothing to read but a bunch of really terrible racist romance novels* and decade-old Readers Digests, you haven't lived. 

Now I back in California and have a backlog of about a jillion emails to catch up with. If you feel that I owe you a response about something, please don't hesitate to remind me, I don't want anything to slip through the cracks.

* review to follow

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Conference Time is here!

I'm prepping for a week-long conference that I am leaving for tomorrow. I have to give two speeches at this conference. Naturally I plan to subvert the topics. As I gather my notes, I give you, the loyal blogreader, a sneak preview.  Anything that I am forgetting to talk about?  Remind me in the comments, please!

Alleged Topic: State of the Industry: I will discuss "what's hot and what's not", featuring an overview of some titles that are hugely popular right now at the bookstore level and what makes them so, along with what I am seeing as trends in the slush pile. Also discussed: Which categories are selling well and which are flat, and how writers can make their work stand out in a crowded marketplace.

Real Topic: MOAR AWESOME! Quick dismissal of "what's hot and what's not" concept. Discussion about why thinking about trends is such a waste of time. Bitter complaints about how 95% of my slush pile is exactly the same as everything else. Encouragement of authors to follow their own star and MAKE trends; examples of why they are much more likely to be "hot" that way.

Bonus: Vampire jokes, curse words.

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Alleged Topic: Pitch Perfect In this session, I will read and discuss samples of actual  queries that have caught my attention in slush, and then gone on to become books.  I'll explain what works, and what doesn't, and will reveal my own 'secret formula'  for a great pitch.   Attendees will be welcome to ask questions and get involved.

Real Topic: CHILLAX & TELL ME WHAT THE BOOK IS ABOUT!   Why you shouldn't worry about how to pitch the book until you have a book to pitch. Why conversations about just about anything else are usually more interesting and useful than your pitch. Why most query letters suck. How to not suck.  Also, Bookstore Handselling 101.

Bonus: two words.  MAD LIBS!

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The Great Big All-You-Can-Stand Super-Self-Promotion Post, part 1

So you have a book coming out. Congrats!

I'll assume for the sake of this post that you are like most authors. You got a Just OK, Pretty Good or even Fairly Great advance, but you are by no means taking gold coin baths. Your publisher may be big and imposing, or teensy and quiet, but either way they are very busy and they don't seem to have much time for little old you. 

You might be feeling somewhat useless. Strangers in NYC are tinkering with your baby and you have no control over it. You want a way to do something (anything!) useful, but you don't know what, or how, or where to start. Well... I am by no means a publicist, but I do have some tips that are not hugely difficult (and may even be plain old common sense!) but that I hope will help you:

1) WRITE YOUR NEXT BOOK. Seriously. I know it doesn't SEEM like obvious marketing advice, but this is truly the most important thing you can do for yourself. If your first book comes out to a lukewarm reception or does poorly, you will need something fantastic to follow up with.  If your first book comes out and is a smash hit, your time will become even more precious than it already is. In any case, nerves, self-doubt and exhaustion may well start playing havoc with your writing once you have that first deal. It will help if you are working diligently on a new project whenever you can, so you either have it ready when you need it or at least have something else to focus on besides your own neuroses. (And let's face it, you're a writer, you probably have neuroses aplenty.)

2) WEBSITE. In my opinion, there is NO excuse for not having a website. Whether it is something flashy that cost a ton to set up, or something simple that you made yourself using free software, or anything in between... you have to have something. Preferably something that is clean, professional, has your and your agents info, has your book info (including links to buy your books, and isbns, and reviews/blurbs/contests/excerpts etc...).  This doesn't have to be the fanciest site in the world, but it has to exist. Not having a website is like a businessperson not having a card.  Or like a retail store that refuses to have a public phone number. It just doesn't make sense.


3) MAILING LIST. Your mailing list is important, and you need to actively cultivate it. Start with all the people you know personally, right now.  Whenever you do an event, have a little notebook and get people's info to add. Get to know the folks on your alumni committee. Get the info of people you work with. Go to bookstores and make friends with the children's person. Meet the teachers at your kids school. Join (and participate) in onine writer's communities. These people will all be the seeds to start a great mailing list.  Oh it will grow when you have real fans from "the wild", but I can't overstate the importance of getting that base layer in yourself.  These are the people that are going to get you school visits, or buy your books for their classroom, etc etc.  If you get postcards, you might send them to these people, or invite them to your launch party if they are local. Make new friends, and keep the old.

4) SOCIAL NETWORKING.  No matter what anyone says, you don't HAVE to have a blog, or do Facebook, or Twitter, or Tumblr. You don't have to join a debut authors group or subscribe to list-servs, or anything of the kind. For many authors, these sorts of activities are a time-suck that takes them away from what they should be doing (which is of course, say it with me - WRITING THAT NEXT BOOK!) But if you do happen to want to test the waters, I think that it would behoove you to at least try Twitter and/or Facebook. There might well be new sites next month or next year that are even better, but for the time being these ones are where its at, and will help you build up that mailing list! :-)

As for blogging - if you are a natural blogger and you enjoy doing it, by all means go for it. If you find yourself exasperated or worse, please don't bother. Blogs that are a chore to write are generally a MEGA-chore to read, and will end up reflecting badly on you.

5) NICHE MARKETING. You have a book about a tween Ice Skater coming to terms with popularity vs. family? Consider promoting this book to Ice Skating groups, and Mother-Daughter book groups. Get an ad in a popular skating magazine, if you can. Give a few copies to Skate Bloggers.  Or say you have a book about a Jewish kid who explores space. Try promoting this book at the JCC, and the Planetarium. See if you can get a local Jewish neighborhood paper to write an article about your fascinating book. Befriend the Jewseum in San Francisco and the Skirball in LA. Find out when the Jewish book fests, what your local Jewish schools are, and see if you can visit them.  These smaller niche markets are generally easier to approach, less expensive to advertise in, and very likely to be more receptive to hearing about your book, than huge markets. Whereas general-interest book bloggers get a million free books, so many they are tripping over them half the time (and they'll only read a fraction of them), your local shul or skate club president may be super-excited to get a free book and blog the heck out of it and tell everyone they know.

Doesn't seem like as big a deal as an ad in the NY Times? You'd be really surprised how many sales a few super-pumped moms, teachers or community leaders can generate. (AND you'd be surprised how little people actually pay attention to the ads in the NYT!) Remember - and this is certainly common sense, but it's amazing how often people don't get it: The personal always trumps the generic.  A recommendation from a trusted source always trumps seeing an ad you have no connection with. A hand-written note to a friend is better than a press release.

'BUT I'VE DONE ALL THESE THINGS!!!'  -- well congratulations, you are ahead of the curve. This is the most important stuff. But I am positive that you guys have more great ideas that'll be fodder for TGBAYCSSSPP part 2. Care to share them in the comments?

(And yes, the fact that there will be a part 2 means that this is NOT actually the All-You-Can-Stand ... it is the all I can stand. Sick of typing!)

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The People of the Book

I've had a couple of questions recently about the difference between trade books with Christian elements, and Christian Market books.

Now I am in no way an expert. I don't represent "real" Christian books, and not just because I am a heathen, but also because I wouldn't know where to begin selling them. There is an entirely separate  group of publishers and editors and bookstores and writers (and agents!) who are "CBA", and these books are often not even found in regular trade bookstores... well, at least, not much in San Francisco. ;-)

I do see lots of trade YA submissions about teens struggling with matters of faith, and I find those very relevant and interesting. I'd be happy to see more of this kind of book. However a word of caution: it is very easy to cheat and start stereotyping people for comic or dramatic effect.  After all, it's easy to hate two-dimensional cardboard zealots. 

Most submissions with religious themes that I see show super-religious folks as misguided cuckoo-birds or worse, straight-up Evil. (Sometimes, to mix it up, they'll be Perfectly Good with no shades of gray.)

But that is not my experience of the real world, and it probably isn't yours either. Think about people who are hardcore about their religious beliefs, including most Catholic priests & nuns, Buddhist monks, Christian Fundamentalists, Mormons, Quakers, Orthodox Jews, or whatever... the vast majority are pretty cool and nice. Or, if they are jerks, their religion doesn't make them so; they would be jerks even if they were Atheists. They also generally think about lots of things besides religion, and have other dimensions to their personality, sometimes even conflicting ones. And that is actually where the drama and interest is, to me.*

(A really excellent YA about matters of faith: EVOLUTION, ME & OTHER FREAKS OF NATURE by Robin Brande)

As for the difference in picture books between the two markets, my old pal Editorial Anonymous said it best:

Christian for trade:
Santa being jolly
Jesus being born
Easter Bunnies
The spirit of giving and how you want it in you

Christian for Christians:
Santa being too commercial
Jesus doing anything else
Easter crucifixions
The spirit of God and how you want it in you 

* ETA: Also, despite popular opinion, most priests are NOT child molesters.  Seriously, you think we could give that trope a rest?

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Query-stats and Mint Chocolate Chip

Q: When you request a partial submission or a full submission based on the query and first ten pages, what makes or breaks the submission?

You apparently liked the beginning enough to consider representing the story. What later turned you off? Made you ask to see more of an authors work?  Make a decision to work with an author on revisions? Or compelled you to offer representation?

It's just that we writers get our hopes up when an agent requests a partial or a full ms., and often, in our minds, our story just keeps getting better ... If you liked the beginning, why wouldn't you like reading on?

The keywords are in your last paragraph:"get our hopes up" and "in our minds". You're just taking a leap and assuming that my liking the beginning and  requesting a partial or full means I am "consider[ing] repping the story".  In fact, it just means that I think it shows a bit more promise than the other dreck I have been served that week, and am willing to see a bit more.

Sort of like if I go to an ice cream parlor where they give samples, and I taste all of the flavors... and then I decide on one or two and get a couple scoops... that doesn't mean I am going to marry the cow.

So here's my guide, let's see if it helps:


QUERY STAGE:
Auto-reject, doesn't even get a look:  Queries that don't follow sub guidelines. Queries that are not for the types of books I represent. 20%

A brief glance at query & pages, then a quick form rejection: Queries that are not personalized to me at all (not even with my name). Sample pages that begin in any one of about 30 stock ways, so cliche that MOSES rolled his eyes when he got queried with them. Atrocious grammar and spelling. 10%

Read the query & 10 pages, form rejection: Pretty much everything -- seriously. See previous post "On Rejection" for more. 50%

Read the query & 10 pages, then nice personalized rejection: Things that are good, definitely have promise, but are just not for me. Things that have been referred to me by a client/friend or from somebody I met at a conference. 15%

Request full: There is something special here. Could be plot, could be funny dialogue, could be an awesome premise.  It might be actually super-awesome, or it might be a fluke -- just the best of a bad bunch. I just want to read more. 5%  (I don't bother to request partials, I consider the 10-page sample in the query your partial. Other agents do this differently).

FULL STAGE:
Reject full with reasons:  I reject almost all fulls, but I try to at least give a bit of feedback.  Maybe I liked it but didn't love it. Maybe I loved it but didn't think I could sell it. No matter what... almost all of the Full roads end here.  Length or depth of notes depends on how much time I have, how far I got in the book and how much I found to say. 95%

Extensive notes and invite to re-submit: This is kinda rare actually. It means that I loved a LOT about the book but there was something deeply flawed about it. A deep enough flaw that I need to make sure you are actually capable of, or WANT, to fix it.  4%

I'LL TAKE IT! I am totally in love. A smitten kitten. Bring me this book!  I wanna make you a star! Seriously, I have to not only love it but also think I can sell it in order to make an offer of representation. That happens almost never. 1%

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What is YA anyway?

Q: Would you say there's a fine line distinguishing whether something is actually genuinely YA or whether, MC age aside, it's just fiction with a young protag? I'm writing a steampunk fantasy that may straddle it, is why I ask.

I personally don't believe that YA fiction is "just fiction with a young protag." Books like PREP by Curtis Sittenfeld are not YA because, though they have a teen protag doing very teen things, the POV is an adult looking back at high school through experienced eyes.

YA is generally about young people experiencing big things for the first time, not about an adult looking back at being young. Whether the book is 1st, 2nd or 3rd person (and yes, even if the book is historical) it is happening "in the moment", not thirty years and two failed marriages ago.

The books can be literary, sure, but they also tend to be faster-paced than most adult fiction. There tends to be lots of stuff happening on the surface -- like, you know, characters doing things, not just staring at a wall and philosophizing.  They tend to end with a note of hope, and at the end, generally resolve most loose threads, questions and relationships.

YA books can be murder mysteries or science fiction, romantic comedy or epic fantasy, dystopian or historical or literary or post-modern or steampunk or any combo of any of those things you can imagine.  What they CAN'T be, is "about grownup sh*t".

Lengthy, slow-paced works with ambiguous endings about Wall Street brokers having like - psycho-sexual crises, or going through bankruptcy, or having loads of affairs to numb the pain of a dead-end job, or whatever?   Not YA.  Even if the brokers are super-precocious 18 year olds.

Fast-paced commercial fantasy about a girl who has a gift for killing and becomes the kings assassin against her will, and must band together with an equally gifted hot guy to resist both the monarchy and their own sexual attraction, an attraction unlike anything either of them has ever known?  Very possibly YA or at least has YA-crossover potential, even if the protagonists are 19 and 22.  

So does this make sense, or did I just confusee the issue more?

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Beauty Contests

The manuscripts I want are very often desired by multiple agents, and those (in my experience at least) are pretty much always The Usual Suspects; a group of five or so of my agent pals that I know have very similar taste to me.  I know for a fact that at least one of these folks is likely to be in the running for anything I want. (This is why I always ask who else has offered - it is hilarious how often the same names come up).

I also know that they all have different styles and different personalities, but they have in common that they are all terrific agents, and none would be a bad choice. So I have to be faster, and pitch harder woo, if I want to get the author.

When multiple agents are fighting for the affection of an author, that is a Beauty Contest. And like a real beauty contest, it is kind of thrilling but mostly sucky. We are lucky in that we need not actually put vaseline on our teeth, but it's still a competition!

INTERVIEW: When I give you a call, I have to explain who I am, who the agency is, why we'd be the awesom-est for you. You get a chance to ask questions too, of course, and hopefully my answers are suitable and happy-making. I tend to be very clear up front about how and how much I like to communicate with my authors, how much I value transparency, etc, and I am pretty informal. Because I like to start as I mean to continue. If I am passionate about something, you know it -- so you might as well get used to that right off the bat!  Unscientifically, I would say that 70% of the time, authors go with the first person to express interest... so agents have to have a lot of energy in this section of the competition if they want to get in front of that statistic.

TALENT: How many sales have we made? How much hustle do we have? Are we clearly knowledgable? Have we already made notes for you?  Have we already made a submission list?  Do we love your book? HOW MUCH?  What can we do for you that nobody else can? It's showtime baby, get out there and dazzle 'em!


SWIMSUIT: This is the tackiest part of the beauty contest and it basically comes down to Hotness. If you're the kind of author who is all about the bling, you'll give more points in this section to the "neon lizard bikini" agency, the name or huge-name clients of which would be recognizable to somebody outside the industry, probably because of very strong Hollywood connections. If you are the kind of author who fancies themselves more literary, you will go with the "classy maillot", which is possibly oldest or most venerated agency. Etc. (For what it is worth, I think of my agency as the "awesomely cute boy shorts tankini" in this metaphor.)

EVENING WEAR: Look, you already know we are pretty, talented and personable at this point, but there has to be one more hoop. So you could take the largely symbolic step of checking out how we walk in a circle wearing a dress, or you could talk to some of our other clients. Now the thing is, my clients are my clients in no small part because they LIKE ME. The chances that I am going to give you the contact info of somebody who hates me is really slim. Sort of like how I would never wear the crazy unflattering dress with bugle beads all over it. Come on.

Now it is time for judgement.  Having been on both sides of the winners circle I can tell you... "Winning" can be a rush and is splendid. "Losing" ranges from disappointing-but-a-good-learning experience to Totally Heartbreaking.

In fact there are two books that I might actually never quite get over having lost, and I am sure there will be more in the future. I always keep my eyes peeled for those books and authors though, to see what happens.  In one case, the book hasn't yet sold...  but in the other case, it sold for a lot of money to somebody I NEVER would have sent to.  I don't have any doubt at all that I would have sold it, but it would have ended up a very different sort of book. So in fact, the author probably chose correctly.

And that is the whole thing about this particular beauty contest, actually. It isn't really about hotness, or who wants world peace. A lot of the judgement comes down to your own gut feeling about who has the best vision for your book and whose style you'll get along best with. I can at least content myself with knowing that I am so open about who I am and what I like, that if somebody DOESN'T pick me, it almost certainly wouldn't have worked out anyway. 

Authors, if you had multiple offers of rep, how did YOU choose? What ended up being the "clincher" for you?  Were there any surprises along the way?

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The Luxury of Choice

I've spent the last couple of days trying to power through my slush pile, and I actually managed to get through all pending queries. So if you sent me anything before today, you should've gotten a response. If you didn't, it means that either I never received your missive, or you didn't follow submission guidelines.

Which brings me to a problem I've encountered a lot lately. Several times in recent months I have asked for full manuscripts, been close to the end of a great manuscript, or finished the manuscript and offered representation and had the author say, basically, "Too late, chump." Well OK, they have been very nice and polite about it but... grrr!  GRR!  I WANTED THAT!!  WTF WHY WHA?!

OK, so I take responsibility for the ones that I hadn't even gotten to at all yet. It is my fault for having an overly full inbox. I should have been more on top of it. If Agent Speedy LaRue got the jump on me, well, fair enough, I guess.

But if I have the full?  And am reading it?  And maybe like LOVING it??  Or I have read the whole thing and adore it and get in touch with the author?  It is kinda seriously crushing to hear that they've already accepted an offer of representation. If you thought you wanted me even a little bit, why would you not give me the chance to throw my hat in the ring?  And if you knew you DIDN'T want me to throw my hat in the ring, why did you query me in the first place?

Course you don't have to take my advice. I know that most people say only to contact those who have a full. But if I were you, and I got an offer, I would get in touch with everyone who has an equery, partial or full. (Yes, queries too!  Yes!  Why not? People have email now! They will be able to get back to you, or ignore you, in a very timely manner.)

MOST of them will probably say "no thanks but best of luck." But a couple might say yes please! And then you will have the luxury of choice. Why would you not want that?

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There's always a market for Awesome.

Q: Are chapter books a tough sell for a debut author? What if they are 10,000 words?
Q: Are Nonfiction picture books possible to sell? What if there are photos? 
Q: Is there a market for boy YA? What if it is paranormal? What if there are sharks?

These are examples of the class of question that is the most frequently asked, and also possibly my least favorite. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand why authors ask... it is just that I don't have an answer!

People love to make pronouncements about what will or won't sell, or what there is or isn't a "market" for, what you can or can't do as a writer, and they are mostly wrong.  For every person who has said "Picture books don't sell" in the past year, there are ten picture books that did just that. For every blog post waxing philosophical about some imaginary rule like "Picture books must NEVER be over 1000 words!" or "You must NEVER write a YA in second person!" or "Delete all prologues! -- there are examples of people who have broken those rules and thrived.  They may only be the exceptions that prove the rule... but they are out there, waiting to torment writers who just want to know for a FACT that they are on the right track.

I've said it before and I am sure I'll say it again:

There is always a market for AWESOME. 

"Boy Books" are notoriously difficult to sell. But the first thing that I ever sold -- when I barely knew how to be an agent yet! -- was a boy book, and I sold it in just a couple of weeks.  And it has gone on to garner starred reviews and awards and just general love from the universe. Why?  Because it was really, truly Awesome.   

 
In this down economy, when picture books are supposedly near-impossible to sell, we as an agency have sold 30+ in the past year. Why?  Are we magicians? Are we bewitching editors? No. (Well... maybe. I mean, I can't give away ALL the secrets.) But I can tell you this: We've sold this many because they're Awesome -- they are the best of the best.

How many "Kinda Good" or "Just OK" picture books have we sold?  I'm gonna guess ZERO.

 

Nonfiction is often said to be difficult to sell. And it is.  But if you have a perfectly wonderful, well-written, interesting, surprising, timely piece of nonfiction that will appeal to schools as well as bookstore patrons, on a topic that is not overdone but also not completely obscure, you'll probably find it fairly easy to sell.

So you see that it is pretty much impossible for me to say if your nonfiction picture book will sell (particularly without a point of reference, writing sample or anything else) -- because it totally depends on not only how good that individual book is, but also the timing of it: what other books on similar topics the editor has seen recently, the weather is like in New York that week, etc.  So a lot of it is not only being Awesome, and The Best of the Best, but also, Good Timing... which means, well, work hard and hope you have a four-leaf clover.

And no, I can't easily answer this type of question.

Get it?

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From Publisher's Marketplace

Some big news for Kate.

2010 E.B. White Read Aloud Award winner Kate Messner's SILVER JAGUAR SOCIETY series, in which a group of kids whose families are part of a secret society bound to protect the world's artifacts pool their unique talents to solve mysteries tied to the creations of their ancestors, starting with book one: THE STAR-SPANGLED SET-UP, to Scholastic, in a three-book deal, for publication starting in 2012, by Jennifer Laughran at Andrea Brown Literary Agency.

If you want to get inspired (or possibly feel like the world's biggest slacker), go to Kate's blog and check out all the stuff she has on her plate. She's a 7th grade teacher, an awesome and prolific writer, an energetic mom, and she still has time for, like, kayaking. She's a constant source of amazement and bafflement to me!

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Time to part ways?

Q: There are lots of agented writers on AbsoluteWrite and other forums, posting anonymously and expressing their concerns about lack of communication from their agents and whether it’s time to sever ties. These are usually reputable agents but some time into the subbing process, communication starts dropping off and emails are no longer responded to within the week like used to be the case – or at all. [Could you do a] blog post on ‘when a writer should be worried about their agent’.

First of all, do you have realistic or unrealistic expectations?

WHAT AGENTS (often) ARE:  Agents play a lot of roles. They are talent scouts. They are salesmen. They are negotiators. They are cheerleaders. They can be editors or writing coaches. They are usually diplomats, and occasionally bullies.

They also generally have a great deal of interest in piles of money and would be happy to swim in it, Scrooge McDuck style. (Mmm, actually, maybe that's just me...)

But a big part of what agents are is professional enthusiasts. And as much as nobody likes to talk about it, that initial enthusiasm can definitely flag. Agents, like editors (and like the public and most all of you, no doubt!) appreciate variety and freshness in products, whether buying them or selling them.

And not everything sells, let's face it. So yeah, if your book has been out... and out... and out... and it hasn't sold... and you don't want to revise... and you aren't working on anything new... I can understand an agent starting to cool. So ask yourself:

* Have you and your agent discussed a submission plan? Do you understand and feel comfortable with it? Do you trust your agent?

* Are you willing to revise (or even overhaul) your first book, if it goes out to editors and doesn't sell in a first round?

* Are you working on new and exciting project(s) while your first book is on submission?

* Are you communicating with your agent about what those projects are?

WHAT AGENTS (usually) ARE NOT:  Psychics. Magicians. Babysitters. Crit buddies. Licensed Therapists. So ask yourself:

* Do you sit on your hands and not email or call... but then freak out that your agent doesn't like you, is ignoring you, or doesn't know what you are thinking?

* Do you send your agent absolutelyeverything you write, daily in-progress first drafts, in a deluge, incessently, without even re-reading them?
'
* Do you email or call multiple times a day for non-urgent questions, and/or expect an immediate response to non-urgent questions on weekends, holidays, or when you know that your agent is out of town?

* Are you... how can I put this delicately... are you a downer? I mean, I want my clients to be honest  and communicate with me. I definitely want to help them problem-solve and work out issues. Still, there is such a thing as overkill... do you share GOOD news as well as bad? HOPES as well as fears? Fun and exciting project ideas? What are YOU an "enthusiast" about? I really do want to hear that! Because if all I get from a person every time I talk to them is a big ol' ball of misery, well-- that doesn't make me overjoyed to hear from them. You know what I mean?

(PS: NONE of my clients fit any of those descriptions, so y'all can quit trying to figure out who I am talking about. This is generally speaking!)

WHAT TO DO IF YOU REALLY THINK THERE IS A PROBLEM: It is rare, I hope, but it is something that I know does happen. Maybe the agent seriously falls off the face of the earth, or maybe they just seem to be dragging their feet when it comes to you specifically. Maybe they are reacting badly to new work you are submitting, or maybe you feel like you can't get a straight answer out of them.

It isn't easy to tell how you are going to work with somebody until you actually do it. But obviously an agent isn't doing you any good if you can't even get hold of them, or if they don't want to sub any of your work. So ask yourself:

* You know (or ought to know) how very, very, excruciatingly slow publishing is. Maybe your agent just doesn't have any news to report. Are you truly being patient?

* If you ARE truly being patient, but you just aren't getting feedback from your agent, have you called or written to ask for updates/news, or submission plans?

* If you have called or written to ask for updates, and you haven't gotten a response, have you called or written to ask for an appointment to talk seriously? You need to have The Big Conversation in which you ask for a game-plan, or tell to be more responsive, and express what your needs are in the relationship.

* If you have done all of those things and had The Big Conversation... are you happy with the result? Do you feel like your agent "gets you" and will fix whatever problems you've had?  Do you like them, trust them, and feel that they appreciate you and your work?

If you've had The Big Conversation and you are NOT happy with the result, it is probably time to part ways.  Don't feel that this is a stigma. It is not a bad reflection on you as a writer OR them as an agent... sometimes things just don't work out, for any number of reasons, and you are better off not having an agent than having one with whom you aren't 'on the same page'.

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Work Your Inner Fierceness

At the conference I went to last weekend, I got asked this question above any other:

What kind of books, exactly, are you looking for?

I sigh. You see, I know that I am looking for children's and YA books, but the thing I am always most looking for is... something I have never seen before. So I don't know what it is yet. (But I'll know it when I see it!) And since I represent authors, hopefully for their whole career and not just one project, the better question to ask might be what kind of AUTHORS, exactly, am I looking for.

I've been watching a certain brilliant reality show of late. One whose host is a razor-sharp judge of character and fierceness. You guessed it: RuPaul's Drag Race, in which a handful of pro and semi-pro drag queens participate in a variety of challenges and stomp it out on the catwalk to determine who will be the next drag superstar. (I can hear you thinking, "Jennifer, are you suggesting that clients must wear high heels and lipsynch for their lives?" NO NO, BEAR WITH ME!)

Ru always tells the girls that she is looking for four qualities above all others in her superstars, and I think that they are really important too (in life as well as art, actually). They spell C.U.N--actually, you know what, let's not do the acronym.  Ahem. Anyway:

• T is for TALENT
• U is for UNIQUENESS
• N is for NERVE
• C is for CHARISMA

TALENT: Dude, you have to be a good writer. There, I said it. You've written an awesome query letter, you have terrific web presence, blah blah blah, I don't really care unless I am in love with the book.  I think that there is such a thing as native talent, something that you are born with, but that you can always make your skills sharper. So don't rest on being "good" writer, you have to get better. As Ru would say, you better work!

UNIQUENESS: If you do what everyone else does, if you write what everyone else writes, you might be OK, but you won't break out and be truly successful. Plus, I will pluck my own eyes out if I have to read it.

NERVE: Now I realize that lots of authors are shy and maybe even a bit neurotic. They hire agents so we can be the tough guys and take care of business. But I still need my authors to have a spine, be driven and at least a bit fierce. That means speaking up for yourself, having self-confidence, putting yourself out there (even if you don't necessarily feel like it...) It also means bravery in terms of your writing. In  authors: NO BABIES. In writing: NO PABLUM.

CHARISMA*: Yep, I have to like you, and I have to think that other people will too.  It's important. Do you need to wear glitter and wigs? No. Do you need to be a cheerleader-type? NO! But do I want to work with somebody who is presentable, engaging, funny, thoughtful, easy to talk to?  Heck yes I do. Or at least somebody who can turn those qualities on when they want to.  So work it!

Authors, what qualities do you most want in an agent?  (Bonus points if you can frame your answer as a reality-show metaphor...)

(*ETA: I changed this one up a bit. See comments for further discussion of the C-word...)

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How far can I go (with an analogy)?

Today in one of my critique sessions, an author asked me if, from an agent's perspective, it was "OK to be an unpublished writer."

I told him that in a way, sometimes, it can even be preferable.

Sure, your "cool" friends might make fun of you for not being published yet. But so what? Good writers know that there is nothing wrong with waiting for the right deal to come along. Take pride in being a debut author!

Anyway, I'd rather my authors not be seen as having "been around the block" too many times, as desperate, or as easy pickins, available for any old weirdo with a few dirty dollar bills and a wrinkled contract in his hand. (And nobody wants to hear how much you "experimented" with self-publishing.)

Your perfect agent or editor will appreciate that you waited, and will love that you chose to share your gift with them. After all, you can only debut once.

And... err...

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Jenny Hikes to Fitchburg

I'm on my way to the NESCBWI conference in Fitchburg, MA, tomorrow. Cue lots of Thoreau-related humor (from me).

Meanwhile, here's Some Things I Did Today, Boston edition:

* Had great meetings with Houghton and Candlewick.

* In Houghton office, saw an upright piano that'd been handpainted by H. A. Rey, with Pretzel the dog all along the front of the case, and Cecily G. the giraffe adorning the side panel. It was the cutest thing ever - but I was too shy and dazzled to take a picture, it seemed rude. Apparently it had been in the cafeteria and they were like "oh, we're going to get rid of this" (!!!) so somebody rescued it.

* Ate lobster twice. Once in "roll" form, once on a salad.

* Stayed in an officially haunted hotel. I downloaded "Ghost Radar" app on my iPhone and confirmed it. :-)

* Went to an open house at Charlesbridge and listened to Mitali Perkins give a wonderful talk about the reason, then the real reason, then the real reason behind the reason she wrote her latest, BAMBOO PEOPLE.

* Saw Ducklings. Made way for.

* Hung around the Boston Public Garden. Saw alleged "swan boat" which is NOT, as I for some reason pictured it, like a gigantic shiny boiled sweet hollowed out and made to look like a swan that you ride inside of.  Sad.

* Also did I mention, saw DUCKLINGS??

DUCKLIIIIIINNNNNNNGS!!!!

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Prequeries & Followups

Twitter Q: If a query is rejected, are follow up questions such as "Do you know of agents who would be interested?" appropriate?

 The short answer: Nope.

But blogs are for long answers, aren't they? And this actually reminds me of a couple of trends that are threatening to drive me batty.*

Prequeries: "This is my project. May I query you, and if so, what should I do?"

This is maddening and it happens at least five times a day. That is at least five emails that I shouldn't be getting. Look, we are open for submissions. The submission directions are right there, on the website, big as life. If we didn't want to get your queries, why would we bother having submission guidelines? How did you get the email address to send this to if you didn't LOOK at the submission guidelines or website? What did you think that they meant?  AHHH!

OK, taking a deep breath. The point I am making is, DON'T PRE-QUERY. If you want to query, just follow the directions and do it already. The worst that can happen is, we say No. So what? You never heard the word No before?  Toughen up, buttercup.

Followup #1 - The Fawner: "Thank you so much for your rejection, it means so much to me that you even took the time to look at my poor little query, I am as a worm unto you O Great One"

Look, it is no big deal. You asked "would you like to rep this?" I said "No thank you." The loop is closed now. If you are a person who absolutely must say thank you, a quick "Thanks for the look" is OK (not needed, but OK.)  And if I have given you notes or specific feedback, a "Thanks so much for the feedback" is totally appropriate.

A weirdly fawning thank you to a form rejection, though, is never called for. It isn't going to make me remember you as That Nice Polite Guy, it is going to make me remember you as a bit of an oddball, at best.

Followup #2 - Mr. Grumble: "I did do my research and follow all the directions to the letter, and yet you say it is "not right for you". Hm. Well, you are a hypocrite. I happen to know you represent lots of YA books, so... any clue as to what agent it might be right for, then, if you're so smart?"

Hey, whoa there, fella! No need for the attitude. I know that the original asker of the question would never be so rude about it, but followup requests for referrals, whether posed nicely like the original asker, or rudely like Mr. Grumble, boil down to the same thing.

* If I loved your submission, I'd want your submission. I don't.

* If I hated your submission, I am not going to give you a list of my friends to inflict it on.

* If (much more likely) I felt lukewarm or 'meh' or 'just ok' or 'fine' about your submission, I've already stopped thinking about it and have moved on with my life now.  I don't want to do research for you, I don't want to re-read it and scour my brain about who I know might like it, that is not my job.  Again, the loop is closed. You asked, I answered, the end.

Hand to G-d, if your book is not for me but I know of an agent off the top of my head who I KNOW would love it, I will definitely definitely tell you, and even offer to pass it on myself or say you can use me as a reference. I promise.  I have no reason to keep this information from you. I want you all to succeed. Really!


* Though items similar to these appear in my inbox many times every day, these examples are fabricated by me and not quotes from actual authors.

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A Bird in the Hand

Tweet-Q: Would you rather rep a writer with a deal on the table? I heard this is ideal for 1st.

I don't presume to speak for every agent here, but for myself, I'd actually say this is a less-than-ideal situation.

If you have an offer from a publisher already, and you query me (or any agent) with a subject line like "Offer From Random House!" or similar, I will definitely read your query immediately. However, that is by no means a guarantee that I'll offer rep.

I still have to love the book.

Also, when I send out a project that is MY project, I have worked hard to craft a great pitch. I've made sure that the manuscript is in as good a shape as I can make it. I have created a submission list based on both my knowledge of individual editors tastes and needs, and with the input and advice from my entire agency.  Publisher expectations are also set - they know the kinds of rights I am going to want to keep, for example, and they will make their offer accordingly. I have often timed the submission in a particular way for a particular reason... and I find that I have a pretty good success rate.

When YOU do those things, and then try to bring me in after the fact, I haven't been able to do any of that good stuff, including (especially) choosing the editors that I think will be the best fit.

The offer on the table is usually not a great offer. The publisher is usually not in a particular mood to negotiate considering that there was no agent involved when they first made it... so while I'll probably be able to negotiate the advance up to cover my commission, and improve the terms, it isn't like you'll be leaping into a totally different sparkly-deal stratosphere just because you hired me.

The point I'm making is, it is fine to do things backwards and get an agent after you get a deal, it will probably help you and certainly won't hurt you.  But it is by no means better to do so.  And I personally think you are likely to get a better deal with an agent in your corner from the beginning.

(And for those who think that they CAN'T get an agent as a debut author... I'm gonna have to call shenanigans on that one. Half my clients are/were debut authors!)

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